Where it all began....grab a cuppa its quite a story :)

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In 2012, on the eve of my 35th birthday, I turned to my husband and said "So, what do you think about this baby thing then?....." .

We had always wanted a family but life had always seemed to be perfect and full of adventure without having one so we kind of left it until the biological clock began to tick a little bit louder.

 

And so the baby making adventure began; little did we know what was coming. 

 

It took me a year to even begin to have a regular cycle after being on the pill since I was 15 years old.  My first feelings of being a failure set in.  I was a woman and every other woman I knew was pregnant or had children, why couldn't I just do this?!

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It then took another year until we finally fell pregnant.  Woohoo!  This was it.  We waited twelve long weeks before telling our friends and family.  We shared the news excitedly but we still had not had our first scan which was due on the Monday after our twelfth week.  On the Sunday night having visited my friends to tell them the news face to face, I began to bleed.

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On Monday morning we attended our scan to be told that we were going to miscarry.  It was all very matter of fact.  We cried.  I felt like I had failed again.

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Roll on two more miscarriages and surgical interventions later and we finally fell pregnant with our little boy Finn in 2015.  By this time I was very raw emotionally having lost twice.  I had no faith in being pregnant or in my body.  If this one didn't stick, I was done.  I almost felt numb to it - the first signs that my mental health was not in a great place.

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I spent most of my pregnancy resting, reduced my work and stress levels, and waiting.  Hoping. Praying that our little boy would survive and be in our arms as planned.  I felt cheated during pregnancy as the joy of being pregnant was over after two miscarriages.  I could not enjoy it at all I was too worried it would all end before it should.

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In week 28 of pregnancy, I developed Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) so ended up in a lot of pain in my pelvis unable to walk far.  I could not sleep lying down so spent most of my nights in a separate room from my husband tossing and turning and trying to get some kind of sleep propped up in bed.  Why couldn't my body just do this like all of my friend's bodies had? 

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Finally the big day arrived!  I was induced but my labour did not progress as it should have.  I was panicked when my waters were broken and there was meconium present.  Our little boy was so stressed inside me and my anxiety levels were sky high praying we would birth him alive.

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Twelve hours later, with lots of prodding and poking and our baby's heart rate going up and down, full of fear and desperate to birth our child, I pleaded with the midwife to give me a caesarian.  I was exhausted and motherhood had not even begun.  I was eventually taken into theatre and Finn was born.  I was in love.  I was exhausted.  I felt physically and mentally broken.

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We stayed in hospital for 4 days as Finn and I both had an infection of some sort and he was not feeding as well as he should have done.  Despite this, we were allowed home but things only got worse from there.  Finn was tongue-tied and was feeding none stop as he found latching near impossible.  He could not take a bottle either as had no movement in his tongue.  Feeding every two hours, twenty four hours a day, my exhaustion was crippling.  I was so overwhelmed.  My emotions felt out of control.  The familiar feeling of failure kicked in.  Why couldn't I do this? What was wrong with me?  Everyone else was out and about with their babies and I was barely able to get dressed from day to day.  It was horrendous.  All I could think was what have I done?

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We were on week 3 of being parents when I began to have racing anxious thoughts.  They were there every minute of the day and were mainly focused on everyone close to me dying including Finn, my husband and myself.  I could not control them.  I was emotionally drained.

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I went for my six week check up and told the GP about what was going on.  She offered me anti-depressants but I did not accept them as was breastfeeding and was not convinced that they would not hurt Finn in some way (anxiety head at full play there!).

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This pattern continued every few months - me seeing the GP, being offered meds, me refusing and battling on as that was what I thought I should do.  This will not beat me I told myself.  I look back and wish I had known how to surrender and be brave enough to admit I needed help.  Life would have been so much better.

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Finally, Finn stopped breastfeeding at fourteen months and as soon as he was weaned I was knocking the doctors' door down for medication and counselling.  

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I spent 2.5 years on antidepressants and two, six week sessions of therapy.  

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When Finn was two and a half, I can remember sitting in my lounge feeling mentally stable (most days) and how great that was but then I felt this pang of sadness.  Is this it? I thought.  Is this my life?  I still did not feel much joy from the activities I used to do and motherhood was a tough gig for me.  I tried to return to running my business full time but I could not cope with the pressure of work and being a Mum.  My anxiety also got in the way of being apart from Finn.  I struggled to have anyone look after him and he was very attached to me and me alone.  

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At this point, I began searching for my own answers into how I could continue my healing.  My hope was I could stop my medication and find happiness in this mad world of being a Mum but I knew I would need more help in walking that path.

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I deep dived into researching about postnatal depression, anxiety and mental health.  I watched medical and psychological therapy based webinars, read endless books, subscribed to the latest newsletter in the mental health fields, attending conferences and eventually found a coach whom I thought could help me.

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I entered the world of transformational coaching with Marina Pearson, my first coach.  Working with Marina was the best decision I could have made.  She helped me uncover ways of thinking and being that I had never even considered.   Our conversations shone a very different light on why I was thinking the way I was and how I could change my thinking to bring more joy into my life.  And so, my love for coaching was born.

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I worked with a second transformational coach in 2019 called Christiane Fullalove.  Christiane helped me to see a different side of my thinking and was pivotal in the later stages of my recovery from anxiety.  Under the guidance of my GP, I chose to come off my medication in 2019 and by February 2020, I was med and talk therapy free.  I never thought I would say those words.  

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Alongside my coaching experiences where I learned about why my thoughts were what they were, I spent personal time learning about coping strategies for anxiety and depression, I deep dived into learning about all the elements that support wellbeing such as sleep, nutrition, exercise and mindset.  I developed my own pillars of recovery which I still use today to sustain my mental wellness.

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Using my experience and knowledge, I now get the greatest pleasure from working with and supporting other Mums to feel mentally well after having children.  It is my life's passion and now, despite all of the heartache that becoming a Mum bought me, I am thankful for the experiences it delivered as becoming a Mum directed me to my true purpose. 

 

I want all Mums who have found becoming a Mum difficult to find peace and wellness.  If my story resonates with you, please don't hesitate to get in touch for a chat and we can see if I can help.

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My inbox is always open - hello@louiseberkhauer.com

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Louise

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